God Loves You! Do You?
By Summer Bacon
I’m going to get really vulnerable and share something with you, if you don’t mind.
Still reading? Cool.
Here goes:
My life is not always about light and love. I’m profoundly human, and despite my deep faith and belief in God and Spirit, I have been known to give up and whine and feel victimized time and time again.
Sure, I channel this wonderful Being named Dr. Peebles. My boss is a real angel, so to speak, and I know he loves me. But, he can’t fix me. I gotta fix myself just like anyone else. Sometimes I hate that. Sometimes I just wish the big loving hand of God would come down and move me like a chess piece on a board…to let me know EXACTLY what to do next (without me having to do it, of course.) I know planet earth is a school, and sometimes it would be nice to cheat on the final exams, know what I mean? Especially during those bleah times, immersed in the darker spaces, wondering when I’m going to get a break. Pity poor me. (I love wine, but unfortunately I manage to indulge in fine WHINES as well. One of my favorites is, “What about me?”)
Yes, even though I have this wonderful relationship with Dr. Peebles and company, I’m not guaranteed free sailing in life. I have had to work hard and face challenges just like anyone else. Those rough spots are like a spiritual enema where I am forced to turn to God time and time again for solace and comfort. Kind of like, after eating a bunch of junk food, your body begins to cry out for spinach. So I pray to God to turn my “disasters” into “divinity.”
Like anyone else, sometimes it feels like my prayers are answered, and sometimes it seems like they are not.
One time my prayers were answered in a most unexpected and miraculous way. I had endured fifteen years of excruciating physical pain when, on December 4, 1994, I cried out in anguish and fury to the heavens for help. In response to my cries my body and head jerked back, my mouth became tense, and the booming voice of Dr. Peebles came forth through me for the first time, “God bless you, Dr. Peebles here!”
An hour later when I came out of trance, the pain was completely gone.
Lots has happened since then. Good times, tough times…challenges up the yin-yang so to speak, and times so miraculous that I can hardly breathe because I am so overwhelmed by the feeling of glory.
Well, recently I was pushed to another breaking point when, overworked and exhausted, I was trying to catch up on my rest before an intense weekend of work in Laguna Hills, CA.
“Mommy?” the voice pierced through the darkness like a knife, just as I was about to collapse into sleep. I knew that cry well. Actually, it wasn’t exactly a cry, it was a tiny plea from a very sick, burning with fever, little girl…my twelve year old daughter Bobbi.
She was SO sick, and my heart sank, first for her and then for me. Would God EVER grant me a full night of sleep?
Bobbi’s throat was sore, her temperature was 104 degrees, and her tummy hurt. I soaked washcloths in a bath of cold water and lay them on her head. I rubbed her tummy. I prayed for help. She prayed for help. I gave her some cold medicine. Around 4am she finally drifted to sleep. I dragged myself to the couch and managed to catch an hour of sleep before awakening to take my oldest daughter to school. I cancelled my channeling sessions and spent the day comforting Bobbi between a few zzz’s for myself.
That night the scenario repeated itself, except Bobbi drifted to sleep a little earlier than the night before…around 3am. The next day was the same, except that now I was getting sick too. I began a regime of 8 ounces of juice with one packet of Emergen-C and 3 diced garlic cloves stirred together. I drank this concoction every hour or two. (Yes, it worked.)
As I flopped down onto the couch that evening I welled up with tears, anger, and physical pain. I was trying hard to understand why this was happening to me. “What about me?” I whined to the heavens, “What about me?”
Then the thought came to me, “I know why He doesn’t answer. God hates me. That’s it! He just hates me. That’s why I never get a break.”
I could justify my pessimism by telling you that I’d gone without sleep for three nights, and wasn’t thinking clearly. But honestly, I really felt clear when this thought popped in. I was totally convinced of this, and I was really okay with it. It seemed to me that this was the answer to everything. Somehow I was strangely comforted by the thought that I no longer had to please God since He hated me anyway. I was off the hook. I no longer had to be anything for anyone. I could live my life for me. I was free. I quickly drifted into deep sleep….until about 12:30am when another cry came from my daughter’s room.
“Mommy! My tummy’s hurting!” Bobbi was in panic and in tears. I began to wonder whether this might be something more severe than the flu. She began to have dry heaves, and every muscle in her poor thin little body was being strained to the max as she struggled to gain her breath
“Mommy!” she cried as I held her, “Help me!”
Knowing that there was little I could do but try to comfort her until the dry heaves subsided, I once again turned to prayer. I placed my right hand on her solar plexus, and my left hand on her back. I felt strangely calm and I said a mental prayer, “Okay, God. Even though you hate me, please love my daughter.”
At that moment, my blood ran cold, and I was gripped by sadness. What an awful thing to say to my best friend! I remembered how much I loved God, and how much He loves me. I was the one with massive expectations. God has no expectations of me. He just loves me. His love is pure and constant. He is the answer to everything. I was the one who shamelessly strayed from love. It was time to get real: either I loved God or I didn’t. It wasn’t a question of His love for me. Either I believed in Him or I didn’t.. It was MY decision, not His.
“I’m sorry, God. Please…love my daughter as much as you love ME,” I said with humility.
Bobbi’s dry heaves stopped instantly. Her eyes opened wide, and she looked absolutely baffled.
“Are you okay, honey?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said, surprised, as she steadily rose to her feet, “I…I’m fine. Everything is better. My tummy feels fine! I mean, really. I feel great!”
I put her to bed, and that night her fever broke. By the next day she was begging me to go to school. I was filled with wonder. “God loves me! Do I love me?” I asked myself. Then I realized that to love myself was to love God. I felt exhilarated.
Then, my sixteen year old daughter, Emily, crashed my car.
Bobbi and our dog, Cosmo, were in the car too, and thankfully no one was hurt. The other car was merely scratched, but the hood on my car folded up like an accordion. I was glad everyone was okay. My whole life was in that car. Getting upset with Emily seemed like an incredible waste of energy. After all, she was sixteen years old, a new driver, and it’s not like this was an unusual occurrence in the life of a teenager.
We went home, and I spent time consoling her, and calming down Cosmo. Bobbi is incredibly resilient, and talked out the experience with her friends.
Then, as the house became quiet as everyone settled down to sleep, it dawned on me. I had no car. I had just cancelled the rental car coverage on my policy. I didn’t know whether the car was totaled. And—horrors!—I would have to…deal with the insurance company! [Insert piercing scream of terror here.]
I could feel my brain starting to take over where my heart had before been in charge. The spinning emotions clutched at my throat, and the “what if” bugs started to crawl into my ears. My whole beingness teetered on that cliff of disastrous thinking… “Why? Why….what about me?” began to well up inside of me.
Well, as a wise person once said, “Thinking stinks.”
“No!” my soul cried out as I sat bolt upright in bed. “No! Don’t go there Summer!”
God. I remembered God. Either I believed in God or I didn’t. If I was going to believe in God, then I needed to believe in Him all of the time, not just when things went “right.”
I settled down in bed feeling comforted by the understanding that God had not disappeared from my life. Again, God was the constant.
“God?” I whispered into the night, “I love you so much, and I know you love me. Thank you for the car accident. Thank you for all of the things in my life that I believe were ‘wrong.’ I know that you love me, and I know that you know what is best for me no matter what. None of this would have happened if you did not feel it was right. Thank you for keeping my children safe, and for the lesson I have learned about your love today.” From there I went back to dozens of moments in my life when I had cursed God, and I thanked Him from the heart for those trials.
I cannot describe the incredible sense of peace and warmth that surrounded me as I drifted off into the most peaceful sleep that I’d had in months.
The next morning I awakened to the unexpected. A calming phone call from the insurance company came in. They accepted the auto shop’s estimate. The appraiser was on his way over there already. My car was not totaled. An unexpected check came in. Just enough to cover the deductible.
“So, you have rental car coverage, don’t you?” the mechanic asked me matter-of-factly.
“Uh, no. I just cancelled it.”
“Bummer. Well, I have a couple of cars that I loan out on occasion. Would you like one?”
Within minutes I was the proud driver of a sap laden Ford truck patched with primer. No radio and a high pitched squeal from the brake pads became my constant companions on the road. I was ecstatic!
Since then, my business has been booming. Requests for travel, workshops, retreats and lectures are pouring in. People keep commenting that I “sound so good.” I think so too. I’m sleeping better. I’m a nicer mommy. I’m a better friend. I’m downright happy. It’s like God is saying to me, “Okay, Summy, now that we’ve cleared up our little misunderstanding, lemme show you what I can do for you!”
As Dr. Peebles says, we often make plans and then expect God to carry our plans through! What we don’t realize is, perhaps God has even greater plans in mind for us, if we’d just let Him take charge. God loves you! Do YOU love YOU enough to let go of your need to control things?
“Life is not a dance of adversity. Life is a dance of wonder,” Dr. Peebles says.
Life is a dance! Sometimes you’re dancing on the veranda, and sometimes you’re dancing in the kitchen. Sometimes you’re dancing in the sunshine on the beach. Sometimes you’re dancing alone and naked in the rain. Sometimes you are dancing in the darkness.
Life is a dance, a joy, and if you want light to come into your life, if you want to feel the radiance of your soul, then you MUST surrender to the greatest truth of all: God loves you. Love is the constant. It doesn’t disappear, we just hide it with our despair. Find and touch the face of God that is YOU by allowing YOUR love to be a constant too. When you are vibrating at that level of understanding and awareness, suddenly you are never alone, you are in the very best company of all. You become One with all that exists, and fear, frustration, anxiety begins to dissipate and the most magical, remarkable things begin to happen. You can expect a miracle in that space of understanding for you become a wide open vessel for God’s love to pour through…filling up your cup so that it can forever (in Dr. Peebles’ charming words) “runneth over to everyone else.”
YOU can make it happen. I did. And, remember, as I said before I’m profoundly human too.
Love. The answer to everything. Isn’t that cool?