It hits like a wave that knocks you down and drags you under, when you thought you were safely tipping your toes in the sand on the shore.
It happened when I put four beautiful white mushrooms into a bag at the grocery store. It happened when I tossed the last fragrant dryer sheet into the dryer. It happened during a rainstorm, when the musty smell of the sweet rain on the desert landscape reminded me of him…and of her. My dearly departed Dad and Mom.
Choosing four beautiful mushrooms for dinner triggered the sweet memory of my Mom, so sick and weak, calling me on my cell phone while I shopped for her.
“Honey, could you please get some mushrooms, too?”
“Sure, Mommy. How many?”
Long pause, filled with great deliberation, followed by, “Uhhhh….four.”
Fast forward 12 years since she passed away, and the tears welled up and splashed down my face, as I quickly tossed the bag of four mushroom memories into my cart, and headed to the bathroom to collect myself.
To me, the fragrance of the dryer sheet was a mixture of Daddy’s cologne and his smile and pride in showing me the box of lavender scented Bounce dryer sheets that he had bought. At 91 years old, he was so beautifully childlike as he demonstrated to me how he, with great flare, tossed a sheet into the dryer with the wet clothes, and told me in great detail how wonderfully soft and fragrant the clothes were afterwards, admonishing me that the only dryer sheets to buy were the Bounce brand.
I kept that box of Bounce dryer sheets for over two years before I could bring myself to toss the last dryer sheet into the dryer, ceremoniously blessing it and my Dad as I then collapsed on top of the dryer in tears. (It struck me just now that “dryer” rhymes with “crier.” Haha!)
Oh sure, I know that my parents are in a “better place,” and that I will see them again. But, that doesn’t change the fact that they are not here, and I miss them. “Your parents are dancing with the angels!” people will say. That’s a nice comment, and I know it’s true, but I’m human and I have a heart that yearns to feel the hugs and hear the laughter of my Mom and Dad again.
Yesterday was just another day, and another morning of me saying aloud, “I miss you, Daddy!” for the umpteenth time since he passed away in 2021. What happened next, stopped me in my tracks. It wasn’t a flood of tears. Instead, heavenly warmth enveloped me, and held me in such peace. I stood at the kitchen counter in wonder, and then, softly, gently, I heard his voice, so calm and clear:
“Don’t miss me. Hold me near.”
For the first time in a long time, I felt I could really breathe.
All well and good until the next rainstorm, when the musty smell of the sweet rain on the desert landscape reminds me of him…and of her.
