“I. Never. Loved. You.,” I said coldly, lying through my teeth, as my soon-to-be ex-husband and I packed the small trailer with the few possessions he would allow me to keep. In my eyes, he was an abusive monster unworthy of love, and I could finally hurt him back, now that I was free. But, as soon as those four words plopped like ugly stones cast out of my mouth, I regretted saying them. Right in front of my eyes, that 44 year old man transformed into the defeated and broken-hearted four year old whose father had died from a heart attack in front of him. He had been told by his mother to go get help, and he lived with the nagging belief that if he had only run to get help faster, his father would have lived. He was too late. And now, he was too late to win my love back.
Instead of raising a hand to me like he might have done in the past, instead, crestfallen, he lowered his eyes from mine and slowly walked into the house we once shared. And, in that moment, I realized that I had just become the abusive monster that I so loathed.
That memory has haunted me for nearly 30 years. Although I can’t undo the past, thankfully that experience taught me an invaluable lesson about love. I learned what is really meant by the words “pray for your enemies.” Instead of wishing for his demise and that he might suffer pain as I did, I decided to transform the verbal stones that I had cast his way and use them to build a strong foundation by instead praying for him. I prayed for him to come to know his heart, to open his heart and realize his own goodness. I prayed for him to be a happy, healthy, successful, loved and loving being.
I’m not sure my prayers have worked, as he continues to harbor an astonishing level of anger that has pushed away friends and family members over the years. He seemingly has a heart of stone. But, I still pray for him. If only he could love himself and feel joy, the world would be a better place. He could become one more light shining brightly in the world.
He’s still alive, and so there is still hope for healing.
I think that would be wonderful.
